Down to Business

I'm exhausted. It's getting to be a regular thing and the radiation hasn't even started yet--I'm not worried about my energy level during radiation but it is something that I will be paying attention to. I think that it is because of everything that has been going on. Too much to handle really--still recovering from surgery while preparing to face radiation.

This past week has been really strange. Usually I sleep like a log at night, but since last weekend I've been getting little sleep that comes in fitful stages. It's really annoying because this is the time that I really need to rest up as much as I can. It even affects my ability to think clearly. Two days ago I stopped to pick up my prescription at the drug store and left my suit that I was carrying in the store (along with a shirt and belt). I didn't even realize that I had left it there until this morning, two days later! I went there right after work and luckily they had held on to it so no harm, no foul. I'm losing my mind!!!!!!!!

But I know I'm going to be okay through all of this. The reason I know this is because the right people have always come along at the right time during this illness. The most recent example is a group of women from my work who are taking turns preparing foods for me so that I won't have to cook for myself during treatment! Now, I'm a huge fan of home cookin', but I never thought I would have to go to these lengths to get it! But it's not just food...whether I've needed a ride or something from the store or whatever, someone has always been there. It's been tough for a very self-sustaining individual like me to learn to depend on other people. Tough, but a necessary lesson to learn.

So the hardest part about facing radiation is that you don't know how it will affect you specifically. You could ask 100 different people who went through radiation how it affected them and they would give you 100 different answers. All the nurses are very careful to emphasize that every person is different, which on the surface is like, duh. Everyone knows what it feels like when you have a really bad flu--runny nose, fever, stiff joints, etc. But this is completely different. You may be fatigued, you may not. You may develop painful mouth sores, you may not. You may develop dry mouth, you may not...and so on. Thankfully, there are ways to combat most of the unpleasant side effects of radiation/chemotherapy. With that said, not all of them work for everyone. So it will be key to find that balance when the time comes.

In the meantime, I'm trying to maintain the best focus I can on my overall well-being. The easiest thing for anyone to relate to is the physical aspect. Last Friday I was cleared by my ENT to resume normal activity. So I started running again. Then I was informed that I need to put on as much weight as I can before the treatment starts because I will probably lose weight during the treatment. Worst of all, that weight is very hard to put back on when you are recovered--or so they say. Hopefully if I do lose weight then my body will react differently and put it back on...heaven knows I don't need to lose any weight! That's the other funny thing about all of this, the nurses talk to me as if I can just add 10 lbs like it's nobody's business. "Here, eat this 160-oz steak and call me in the morning." Riiiiiiight.

So it's a Catch-22. I need to build up my energy level, but that generally happens through cardiovascular activities like running, biking, etc. which in turn burns off the weight (at least for me). But I need my energy level so that I can stay ahead of the fatigue for as long as possible and shorten the time of recovery in addition to helping keep my spirits up. So how do I solve this conundrum? Well, I'm working on that and I'll let you know when I figure it out. Right now, though, you should know that I'm forcing an enormous ice cream, peanut butter, chocolate syrup, banana, and protein powder shake down my throat almost to the point that I want to barf! Hey, don't call me a glutton, I'm working hard! No pain, no gain.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to my workout.