A Homecoming of Sorts

It is surprising that I have gone more than two weeks without updating my blog. I wish it was because I've been so busy getting back to my normal, pre-radiation life but largely that is not the case. It is partially true, however.

I can honestly say that the past couple weeks have been some of the most frustrating of any that I have experienced thus far. I know it sounds weird since the treatment is finished and I am well on my way to recovery, but that is precisely why it has been so difficult. I've been feeling like crap for so long that you think that I would be used to it by now...but I'm not. I want nothing more than for my mouth sores to be gone and my ability to taste to be back. That's all I want, and for the past two weeks I have woken up with the day-of-Christmas anticipation of an 8-year-old only to be disappointed to find that Santa had not visited me the night before. Every night I would pray that the mouth sores would be gone and that I would be able to eat and speak pain-free for the first time in six weeks, and every morning I would be so disappointed when the discovery was made that there had been no improvement overnight. It is this consistent disappointment that I have been dealing with ever since the treatment has been finished. I'm not being irradiated, so why can't I heal??? Even the conversations I would have with my doctor did not cheer me up. "You've been through a lot of trauma," he would say, "Things will get better but you've got to give it time." What I really wanted to respond with was not respectful to him and is not suitable for this blog, so like I did then during the appointment, I will bite my tongue and leave it to your imagination. All I know is that I had waited long enough I thought, and I wanted to move on. I wanted to be able to eat a hamburger, spaghetti, or even a piece of toast without reducing myself to tears. Not only that, I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and call a friend without having to worry about whether or not I would be understood on the other end of the line. These are the things you have to think about when your tongue is pink with rawness and your gumlines are white with dead cells.

I've been processing a lot of emotions lately. Disappointment as I have already indicated, but in addition to that, it's been a smorgasbord in the last few days. Last Saturday, I left Washington, DC for the sunny state of California--a place I called home for six years during college and beyond. A very good friend of mine is getting married in Santa Barbara and I was honored to be invited to stand in as a groomsman. From Saturday to Tuesday, I stayed in LA with an old roommate from college who is now married--he and his wife are two of the most hospitable people I know even though they refuse to believe it. Over the course of those days I also saw many more friends from my college days, many of them also married and either settled into a new career or almost finished with their graduate studies. I had the opportunity to go golfing, play frisbee, and just hang out...it was a wonderful experience.

On Tuesday, I hopped into my rental car and headed north to Santa Barbara--quite honestly, one of the most beautiful places on the face of the earth, without question. In addition to catching up with even more friends, I went up to my alma mater, Westmont College, to see how the old campus looked. Most of it was completely unchanged and I was happy to see that--it gave me a comforting feeling for some reason. To know that I could be so dramatically changed over the last couple of years and something could be virtually unchanged just felt good. The rest of Santa Barbara was also mostly unchanged, but I'm still dealing with the disappearance of my favorite breakfast burrito stand that I discovered this morning. I was heartbroken. Even though I wouldn't have been able to taste it, I could have imagined it. Most importantly, though, the Pacific Ocean is still there, beckoning to me, begging me to go swimming once again. I never did acquiesce because the October water from Alaska is just far too cold. I did go wading, however, and that was good enough.

The next few days are going to be even more fun since the wedding party will be arriving today...guys that I have not seen in months, if not years. Years after forming these relationships in Santa Barbara, it's interesting to go back to where it all started for yet another informal reunion. The memories have been coming at me almost too quickly for digestion, and the next few days will be even more intense.