Down to Business

I'm exhausted. It's getting to be a regular thing and the radiation hasn't even started yet--I'm not worried about my energy level during radiation but it is something that I will be paying attention to. I think that it is because of everything that has been going on. Too much to handle really--still recovering from surgery while preparing to face radiation.

This past week has been really strange. Usually I sleep like a log at night, but since last weekend I've been getting little sleep that comes in fitful stages. It's really annoying because this is the time that I really need to rest up as much as I can. It even affects my ability to think clearly. Two days ago I stopped to pick up my prescription at the drug store and left my suit that I was carrying in the store (along with a shirt and belt). I didn't even realize that I had left it there until this morning, two days later! I went there right after work and luckily they had held on to it so no harm, no foul. I'm losing my mind!!!!!!!!

But I know I'm going to be okay through all of this. The reason I know this is because the right people have always come along at the right time during this illness. The most recent example is a group of women from my work who are taking turns preparing foods for me so that I won't have to cook for myself during treatment! Now, I'm a huge fan of home cookin', but I never thought I would have to go to these lengths to get it! But it's not just food...whether I've needed a ride or something from the store or whatever, someone has always been there. It's been tough for a very self-sustaining individual like me to learn to depend on other people. Tough, but a necessary lesson to learn.

So the hardest part about facing radiation is that you don't know how it will affect you specifically. You could ask 100 different people who went through radiation how it affected them and they would give you 100 different answers. All the nurses are very careful to emphasize that every person is different, which on the surface is like, duh. Everyone knows what it feels like when you have a really bad flu--runny nose, fever, stiff joints, etc. But this is completely different. You may be fatigued, you may not. You may develop painful mouth sores, you may not. You may develop dry mouth, you may not...and so on. Thankfully, there are ways to combat most of the unpleasant side effects of radiation/chemotherapy. With that said, not all of them work for everyone. So it will be key to find that balance when the time comes.

In the meantime, I'm trying to maintain the best focus I can on my overall well-being. The easiest thing for anyone to relate to is the physical aspect. Last Friday I was cleared by my ENT to resume normal activity. So I started running again. Then I was informed that I need to put on as much weight as I can before the treatment starts because I will probably lose weight during the treatment. Worst of all, that weight is very hard to put back on when you are recovered--or so they say. Hopefully if I do lose weight then my body will react differently and put it back on...heaven knows I don't need to lose any weight! That's the other funny thing about all of this, the nurses talk to me as if I can just add 10 lbs like it's nobody's business. "Here, eat this 160-oz steak and call me in the morning." Riiiiiiight.

So it's a Catch-22. I need to build up my energy level, but that generally happens through cardiovascular activities like running, biking, etc. which in turn burns off the weight (at least for me). But I need my energy level so that I can stay ahead of the fatigue for as long as possible and shorten the time of recovery in addition to helping keep my spirits up. So how do I solve this conundrum? Well, I'm working on that and I'll let you know when I figure it out. Right now, though, you should know that I'm forcing an enormous ice cream, peanut butter, chocolate syrup, banana, and protein powder shake down my throat almost to the point that I want to barf! Hey, don't call me a glutton, I'm working hard! No pain, no gain.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to my workout.

The Next Phase

Wow...I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last posted anything. Time flies when you're having fun...or is it when your Internet is down??? Can't remember...whatever. Yeah so, my Internet has been down for a while and I'm not going to use my work computer for posting to a blog because that's just asking for trouble.

So a lot has happened since I last updated you all. I've been to the hospital or some other medical or dental facility so many times I can't remember all of them. One in particular I do remember quite well, unfortunately. Unfortunate because it was the worst experience of this entire battle with cancer. I'm not kidding--I'd take the surgeries before this. I won't get into the details but suffice it to say that apparently I don't deal with being completely immobilized very well. The good news is that it is over. The bad news is that every day of my radiation therapy is going to be very similar to this experience. If this doesn't teach me to have total control over my mind, then nothing will.

Anyway, that was Wednesday and it was the simulation of what my radiation therapy would look like. They call it a simulation because they go through a little bit of a dry run of a session and map out where the treatment area will be. My treatment area will cover the left side of my neck up to my jawline and down into the chest region. The therapy will happen every Monday through Friday beginning August 3 and stretching through mid-September or about 6.5 weeks.

The side effects will not be pretty but mostly not permanent, thankfully. There is a pretty good chance, however, that I will lose about 25% of my salivary glands. Other things that will happen are a change in taste (not supposed to be permanent), sore throat, mouth sores, skin discoloration, and fatigue. I'm pretty sure there are some other things but I can't remember them at the moment.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty good about the future even as unpleasant as it may be. During my recovery from surgery on June 28th, I began watching the Tour de France (it started on July 2) and watched most, if not all, of every stage since then. I didn't really know much about cycling before I watched the Tour this year, but I've been following Lance's accomplishments ever since he started winning in 1999. His personal story is so unbelievably inspiring that he could have been a professional badminton player and I would have watched! So today was the last day of the Tour, and there was Lance--overall leader by 4 minutes and 40 seconds over Italian Ivan Basso--finishing his professional cycling career on top and in perfect form, winner of 7 Tours de France in a row. Just to have an idea of how big of a deal this is, consider the fact that before Lance there were only three riders who had won 5 Tours. Lance won 7. Consecutively.

It was bittersweet to see him take the podium for the last time today. He's been such an inspiration to me even before I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. I would have never dreamed that Lance Armstrong the cancer survivor would have inspired me so much more than Lance Armstrong the cyclist. Throughout my recovery, it's been reassuring to know that he's out there living life to the fullest and living a normal life. It'll be sad to have him gone from the public eye, at least in the context of a cyclist.

A Worthy Opponent

It seems like I've been giving a lot of facts lately without any editorializing. One could argue that this is to the reader's benefit. The entire purpose of this website is to make things a little easier on me in my effort to keep all of those close to me--and even those who may know about me but whom I have never met--in the loop.

I know that I have old friends from college who read this occasionally and I am frequently reminded that my family reads with regularity. College friends who I currently am in touch with and also some complete strangers are faithful readers, too. Some political friends and others who don't really fit in any category at all have also wanted me to stay current with what has been happening in my life. Whoever you are, I thank you--really thank you--from the bottom of my heart for reading about the daily struggles and triumphs that I encounter. I acknowledge that I need to do a better job of keeping you all informed via my blog and I really wish that I could just skip the blog and make personal contact with each of you the norm. Unfortunately, that is quite impossible as I'm sure you all are well aware. So I'm forced to do the best that I can, which I know is sometimes not good enough by the standards of the world around us.

This experience that began for me back in the first week of February 2005 with a biopsy of my tongue has been nothing but up and down about as much as the stock market. On the best days, it is taxing. On the worst, it is overwhelming. In some of my first postings I wrote about these roller coaster rides and how hard they were. How some days, I could be perfectly fine and a few minutes later be searching for a private place to shed some tears in solitude. I did not write this for sympathy or pity, but just so that those who I have interactions with could experience, even only a little bit, what I was going through. I know that many of my friends and family use my blog as a place to go to find ways to pray for me.

A funny thing happens when you are fighting cancer, at least for me. I have started eating healthier foods and exercising more--I even take the stairs instead of the elevator when I'm not recovering from surgery. I avoid places where cigarette smoke is prevalent, not because I think I'm better than those places or even cigarette smoke, but because I know that little things like these that I can control help me define the terms of how I am fighting my cancer. My doctor in Washington state told me to embrace a healthy lifestyle and I'm doing everything I can to give myself the advantage. Heck, I even buy organic fruits and veggies now! I do these things because it's not about being trendy or cool. Neither is it about losing weight or increasing stamina, although those are some good benefits on the side. I do these things because it is a matter of SURVIVAL.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in this experience is self-discipline. This has brought the phrase "looking out for number one" to an entirely new level. I don't consider myself to be number one, but that is not the point. The only person that can control what you eat and how you treat your body is you. There may be some folks out there--cancer patients and survivors and their families are good examples--who know what I am talking about and know the changes in lifestyle that they had to embrace when they were diagnosed. It is not easy. In fact, it's hard...very hard. Because a lot of people don't expect you to change--they don't want you to change because that is acknowledging that this disease is serious and it is threatening. Many people don't like to hear that or think about that. It's a subject to be avoided. This makes it very difficult to make lifestyle changes. It is at this point that you must dig deep and have the discipline necessary to stick to the choices that you know are right for your body, mind, and spirit.

I am only 27 years old. I'm not the smartest or most experienced guy in the world. But I can say unequivocally that so far in my life, this is the hardest thing that I have ever done. And I'm no wise man, but I can also say with certainty that it will not get easier before I beat this thing. It will get harder, much harder. The very ability to recognize the seriousness of a situation that is not often sunny gives me an advantage. The British thought the American rebels were an inconvenience, and look what that got them. You have to respect the enemy or he will use your overconfidence to destroy you.

What I can promise each and every one of you who take the time to read my blog is that I am doing the best that I can in my fight against cancer. I'm lucky. I have some of the best doctors in the world taking care of me. I have some of the best technology in the world about a mile away. But it would be foolish to think that technological advances in the medical field will save my life. The truth of the matter is that this is a battle and I am the one fighting it. The things I do are part of an active plan to beat this disease. My lifestyle is not what it used to be out of necessity--out of an effort for survival. That does not make it better than anyone else's nor does it make me superior to anyone. It is just different.

I am different.

Over the last five months I have matured in ways that I never imagined--ways that I hoped I would never be forced to. My hope is that it is making me a better person, a more deliberate and disciplined person. A person who likes to have fun and appreciates life. It is also my hope that through my life I can be an inspiration to others. I hope that no matter what, I can say that I gave my best.

The battle continues...

Post Op News

I got my stitches removed today--it's very nice to be foreign-object free again.

The doctor also had the results of the tests conducted on the lymph nodes they removed from my neck.

Overall, they removed 19 lymph nodes. Of those 19, one of them came back positive for cancer. The tumor itself was very small--only about 1 cm wide--but the ramifications are pretty big. The details still need to be worked out next week when I speak with my radiation oncologist, but it appears that I will be undergoing radiation treatment with a small dose of chemo mixed in to boost the effects of the radiation. Of course I would rather go to Hawaii, but since they didn't offer that as an option, I think I'm stuck with radiation. Oh well. The treatment will most likely start in 4-6 weeks or as soon as my neck is healed from the surgery that I had last week. As of right now, the doctors are not sure whether they will incorporate a shot of radiation to the tongue while they are irradiating my neck. The thought generally is, "Well, we are going to the trouble of doing all this, why not get the tongue at the same time?" It makes sense, but obviously I would prefer to avoid radiation to the tongue if it isn't necessary. The key is to guess how the cancer will act...if I were a cancer cell...where would I go??? You get the idea.

So that'll happen relatively soon and then hopefully I'll be done with this.

The important thing to remember in all of this is that these results are not unexpected. I was actually not surprised at all to hear that one of the nodes came back positive. It would have been a shortcut if nothing had been positive, which would have been nice, but wasn't to be this time.

Another important thing to remember is that we caught this thing early. It does nothing but boosts my chances of getting this thing taken care of once and for all by catching it early.

I suppose I will offer more editorials on the matter as time goes on, but right now, I don't really feel obliged to.

Post-Op

It's been almost a week now since my surgery. I feel pretty good, but for anyone who has experienced surgery, you know that it takes a little while to feel like you are truly back to normal.

The surgery began about an hour later than the originally-scheduled start time of 4:30 p.m., for whatever reason, and I ended up not getting to my hospital room until about 10 p.m. I was almost completely out of it, but I could tell that the guy they had me sharing a room with was watching Friday Night Lights--one of my favorite sports movies, but under the circumstances, I just wanted a pair of earplugs and morphine. I ended up getting both but it certainly seemed to take a while.

The next day, Wednesday, I felt a little better but not much. It was then that I noticed that I had these two drains connected to my body. Supposedly they are better than having to deal with gauze and bandages, but they made me feel nauseous the entire time I had them in. Just imagine turning your head slightly one way or the other and feeling some foreign object below your skin poking your throat. Well, that's what I was dealing with and I couldn't wait to get them removed.

The doctors and nurses thought I was doing well enough so they released me a day early, much to my surprise. As it turned out, I think it probably would have been a good idea to keep me there another day, but so far, things have worked out. Two days after my release from the hospital, Friday, I went back to the hospital to get one of the drains removed. Supposedly, when the drainage is less than 25 cc per day then they can remove the drains, but they were hesitant to remove the second drain despite the fact that it was much less than the requisite 25 cc's. Finally, however, I did get it removed on Sunday morning and since then I have been feeling much better. It's amazing how much a foreign object under the skin can hamper movement and mobility.

Yesterday, July 4th, I felt good enough that I was able to go out and enjoy the fireworks here in DC. I was very fortunate to have been invited to the south lawn of the White House and was able to bring my mom there with me. It certainly was not an exclusive event and there were probably thousands of people there, but it was very cool to be able to watch the fireworks while sitting about 200 feet away from the White House. Unfortunately, I think I may have have overdone it a bit because today I'm certainly feeling a little beaten up.

One thing that has certainly helped to pass along the time is the Tour de France that began on July 2 and has been going every day beginning at 8:30 a.m. eastern time. I don't know much about cycling, but like many people, I am a fan of Lance Armstrong and have been following his career for several years. I'm continually blown away by what he has overcome to be where he is today. It may sound silly to a lot of people, but I can honestly say that I have so much more respect for him now than before (in terms of sporting accomplishments). The mental discipline this guy must have is absolutely mind-boggling! Anyway, I would recommend that you all keep track of how he is doing this year in his final Tour. You would be interested to know that he was awarded the yellow jersey today after his team won the time trial in fine fashion. Unfortunately, the guy who had it before him was an American who crashed with only 1.5 km left in the time trial--leaving him virtually disqualified from winning the Tour. It's not like he had much of a chance anyway, but still you hate to see somebody lose because of that.

So tune in tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. on the Outdoor Life Network.