Baby Steps

A funny thing happened a couple of nights ago. It is something that in another, very recent time I would have taken for granted. Ever since my medical treatment began way back in February of this year, I've become something of a nocturnal being.

In this experience, my awareness has been heightened, my senses sharpened. In a strange way, one without description, another dimension has been added to my existence. I suppose it could most easily be compared to a near death experience, perhaps something gained by a soldier after a battle--not the kind of battle fought in modern times, but one of times past when you saw the enemy, looked him in the eye and knew that his objective was to destroy you.

Perhaps this way of survival is closer to the way that we as humans were intended to live life, but I don't know. Perhaps subconciously I am trying to spin this into something positive after being conditioned for so long to think of it in negative terms--to convince myself that I have some kind of advantage when it comes to absorbing the experiences of daily life. Perhaps it is utter foolishness for me to search for a deeper meaning out of such things when I should be taking them at face value, but I don't think so. Perhaps it is something that I will never be able to fully explain or even understand. My prayer is that someday, looking back at the life I have lived, I will see that my small part in this big narrative made sense and had a clear purpose.

Despite all my philosophizing, it remains clear that I notice things that I didn't notice before, and that is a clear improvement. So a few nights ago when I slept the whole night through without waking up once, I took note and thanked God for the first night where I have slept the whole way through in probably at least three months. These little achievements are how I mark my improvement in health. I've still got a ways to go, but things are getting better because normalcy is beginning to return, even if it only consists of sleeping uninterrupted through the night.

A Hard Goodbye

The rain was a God-send. It was difficult enough to actually drive myself to the airport willingly. Here I was, in California, more importantly, in Pacific Daylight Time where 90% of my friends and family and reside and, once again, I was returning to the airport so that I could fly back east...and for what? There are things that I like about both coasts, but the West Coast has so many more that's it's not even worth trying to draw up distinctions. The two can't be compared.

Nevertheless, here I was with the top up on the convertible that I had rented for the week for the first time because of weather--probably the one thing that made it feasible for me to actually leave California behind me...again. After it was all said and done, I actually missed my flight and had to fly stand-by on the next one and didn't get "home" until 12:30 the next morning and since all forms of public transportation and friends were shut down for the night, I had to shell out a hefty $53 for a cab ride from Dulles airport. By the time I got home and in bed, it was about 1:45 a.m. and I couldn't sleep because it was only 10:45 the night before to me. Somehow I was able to wake up the next morning and get into the office in time for a 10 a.m. meeting. The next day was even more difficult to wake up for and I nearly didn't because I slept through my alarm clock.

Of course none of this was made better when I found in my inbox an email from my mother explaining the complications that my dad had had due to his major surgery the Friday prior. Luckily, he pulled out of it and the doctors were able to get him stabilized but it meant that he would have to stay in the hospital longer which means a longer recovery most likely. I've joked about it before, but I'm really looking forward to 2006. This calendar year has not been kind to me or my family and I'm ready to start over!

Today is Thursday and after getting more or less acclimated to east coast time again, I feel very good. I would say that this afternoon was the best that I have felt since before my radiation treatment began. (By the way, tomorrow will mark exactly one month since my last radiation treatment. It hardly seems possible!) Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--I felt and feel incredibly balanced for the first time in as long as I can remember. It just feels very good to crack jokes and laugh again without being in pain. I didn't realize how much I had missed that. Obviously my hope is that this continues.

It's just funny how things that used to be important cease to be that way. It's a value system that not too long ago I probably would have characterized as upside-down.

A Homecoming of Sorts

It is surprising that I have gone more than two weeks without updating my blog. I wish it was because I've been so busy getting back to my normal, pre-radiation life but largely that is not the case. It is partially true, however.

I can honestly say that the past couple weeks have been some of the most frustrating of any that I have experienced thus far. I know it sounds weird since the treatment is finished and I am well on my way to recovery, but that is precisely why it has been so difficult. I've been feeling like crap for so long that you think that I would be used to it by now...but I'm not. I want nothing more than for my mouth sores to be gone and my ability to taste to be back. That's all I want, and for the past two weeks I have woken up with the day-of-Christmas anticipation of an 8-year-old only to be disappointed to find that Santa had not visited me the night before. Every night I would pray that the mouth sores would be gone and that I would be able to eat and speak pain-free for the first time in six weeks, and every morning I would be so disappointed when the discovery was made that there had been no improvement overnight. It is this consistent disappointment that I have been dealing with ever since the treatment has been finished. I'm not being irradiated, so why can't I heal??? Even the conversations I would have with my doctor did not cheer me up. "You've been through a lot of trauma," he would say, "Things will get better but you've got to give it time." What I really wanted to respond with was not respectful to him and is not suitable for this blog, so like I did then during the appointment, I will bite my tongue and leave it to your imagination. All I know is that I had waited long enough I thought, and I wanted to move on. I wanted to be able to eat a hamburger, spaghetti, or even a piece of toast without reducing myself to tears. Not only that, I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and call a friend without having to worry about whether or not I would be understood on the other end of the line. These are the things you have to think about when your tongue is pink with rawness and your gumlines are white with dead cells.

I've been processing a lot of emotions lately. Disappointment as I have already indicated, but in addition to that, it's been a smorgasbord in the last few days. Last Saturday, I left Washington, DC for the sunny state of California--a place I called home for six years during college and beyond. A very good friend of mine is getting married in Santa Barbara and I was honored to be invited to stand in as a groomsman. From Saturday to Tuesday, I stayed in LA with an old roommate from college who is now married--he and his wife are two of the most hospitable people I know even though they refuse to believe it. Over the course of those days I also saw many more friends from my college days, many of them also married and either settled into a new career or almost finished with their graduate studies. I had the opportunity to go golfing, play frisbee, and just hang out...it was a wonderful experience.

On Tuesday, I hopped into my rental car and headed north to Santa Barbara--quite honestly, one of the most beautiful places on the face of the earth, without question. In addition to catching up with even more friends, I went up to my alma mater, Westmont College, to see how the old campus looked. Most of it was completely unchanged and I was happy to see that--it gave me a comforting feeling for some reason. To know that I could be so dramatically changed over the last couple of years and something could be virtually unchanged just felt good. The rest of Santa Barbara was also mostly unchanged, but I'm still dealing with the disappearance of my favorite breakfast burrito stand that I discovered this morning. I was heartbroken. Even though I wouldn't have been able to taste it, I could have imagined it. Most importantly, though, the Pacific Ocean is still there, beckoning to me, begging me to go swimming once again. I never did acquiesce because the October water from Alaska is just far too cold. I did go wading, however, and that was good enough.

The next few days are going to be even more fun since the wedding party will be arriving today...guys that I have not seen in months, if not years. Years after forming these relationships in Santa Barbara, it's interesting to go back to where it all started for yet another informal reunion. The memories have been coming at me almost too quickly for digestion, and the next few days will be even more intense.