Baby Steps

A funny thing happened a couple of nights ago. It is something that in another, very recent time I would have taken for granted. Ever since my medical treatment began way back in February of this year, I've become something of a nocturnal being.

In this experience, my awareness has been heightened, my senses sharpened. In a strange way, one without description, another dimension has been added to my existence. I suppose it could most easily be compared to a near death experience, perhaps something gained by a soldier after a battle--not the kind of battle fought in modern times, but one of times past when you saw the enemy, looked him in the eye and knew that his objective was to destroy you.

Perhaps this way of survival is closer to the way that we as humans were intended to live life, but I don't know. Perhaps subconciously I am trying to spin this into something positive after being conditioned for so long to think of it in negative terms--to convince myself that I have some kind of advantage when it comes to absorbing the experiences of daily life. Perhaps it is utter foolishness for me to search for a deeper meaning out of such things when I should be taking them at face value, but I don't think so. Perhaps it is something that I will never be able to fully explain or even understand. My prayer is that someday, looking back at the life I have lived, I will see that my small part in this big narrative made sense and had a clear purpose.

Despite all my philosophizing, it remains clear that I notice things that I didn't notice before, and that is a clear improvement. So a few nights ago when I slept the whole night through without waking up once, I took note and thanked God for the first night where I have slept the whole way through in probably at least three months. These little achievements are how I mark my improvement in health. I've still got a ways to go, but things are getting better because normalcy is beginning to return, even if it only consists of sleeping uninterrupted through the night.